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» I'm glad nobody saw me

Cat Talking
I was walking down the street from work a few years ago...It'd been a shit of a day to be honest. We'd just laid some people off and our CEO had come down to "make everything better".

Didn't help at all. He kept introducing himself to everyone in the office by saying "And what's your's name?" "What's your name?" "Your name?" "And what's your name?"
He was plesasent enough but he had a bit of an annoying nasally voice.

Anyhoo...so like I say I was walking home...rather exhausted. I passed a house a few doors down from my place. The garage door was open and it was completely empty except for an orange cat sitting in the middle of the doorway...his tail swaying violently...looking at me bewildered.

So in my exhausted state, and in my loudest voice I screeched, like the Spice girls in a room full of helium: "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME!!!!"

The cat just sat there...but from the side of the garage a man stepped into view. "I beg your pardon?" he said.

I froze...
...after an eternity I said "your name?"
"Graham" he said.
"I'm mark" I replied...
...and promptly walked away as quick as I could.

And that is the last time i ever engaged in a conversation with both Graham, and his cat.
(Mon 31st Jan 2011, 23:49, More)

» Drunk Parents

Drunk Dad
Only really seem my dad drunk once...(warning this story is funny...but only funny for me...or people that know my dad...you may appreciate it tho)

My parents are the kind of people who like to host parties (dinner and drinks) and they consequently have a HUGE liquor cabinet full of booze. But the weird thing is that they are not huge drinkers. (My wife's parents drink every night, mine only once in a blue moon.)The only time they regularly drink is when they go to church.

Anyhoo, I distinctly remember I was about 14, it was a Friday evening and dad had been out having work drinks. He came home plastered. Mum had to pick him up from the station. "Your father's had some drinks" said mum very evenly. I couldn't read her. Was she upset? Angry? OK with it all? I couldn't tell.

Dad came stumbling in grinning from ear-to-ear. He was so wasted he could hardly open his eyes. You could blindfold him with dental-floss.
"My son my son" he smiled and gave me a huge hug. "Oh I love you so much. You're such a good boy". As he was hugging me i looked over his shoulder to mum who was staring back extremely poker-faced.

Dad let go of me...walked to the bathroom muttering something about "my son" and "my boy" then proceeded to throw up violently. It honestly sounded like he was emptying a bucket down the toilet. It was loud and seemed to go on for ages. After what seemed like an eternity he finally stopped. The 2 seconds of silence was interrupted by him letting out a very loud fart. "Woops" he said. Then all I could hear was him giggling, obviously laughing at his own fart. Now my dad has one of those infectious laughs and I could tell that he was crying with laughter as he tends to sound a little like precious pup. He was laughing and laughing. That brought a smile to mums face who rolled her eyes and walked away.

Then he emptyed another bucketload down the bog before flushing stumbling out grinning. "Don't go in there" he said. "There's two smells going on" he laughed. I was laughing too by now. He gave me another hug and went to bed. He never spoke of it again. My parents never raised it in conversation. Looking back the whole thing was quite surreal. Apologies for lack of funnies, but this is just something that really stands out for me in my life :) weird huh
(Thu 3rd Mar 2011, 0:15, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

We were helping.
Waaay back in the day....well ok 3 years ago I was working as a DJ on the number one radio station in a pretty big city in New Zealand. (Pretty big for a New Zealand city anyways!)

We used to do all sorts of crazy things like "World Wide Wednesday" where for the entire afternoon, my co-host and me would choose a country and attempt to do the accent of that country for the whole show. It was fabulous and hilarous and we got a lot of listeners and everything was just dandy.

We did countries like India, England (I would be a cockney and my co-host would pretend to be a posh git), Australia, South Africa, France America, Italy, Iceland, Mexico, China etc

We always used to get guests in the studio from the country we were looking at and get them to comment on our terrible accents. They'd usually bring in food from their country and the whole thing was done very innocently but with a HUGE grin on our faces. It was after all a "family station"

(The time we did India and the guys from a local curry joint brought in the hottest curry they could make...my arse never forgave me for that one!!)

But I'm getting off track. Because where we lived there was a HUGE amount of racial violence...especially towards Asians.

Now in New Zealand we refer to Asians as people from China/Japan/Korea etc.
Being the family station we decided to write a song about this disgusting behavour going on in our town this so we wrote the song: "Asian in Christchurch"...done to the tune of Englishman in New York by Sting....(subsequently covered by Shine head "Jamican in New York"...and recently covered again by Omar Djalali)

I can't remember all the lyrics but it went along the lines of:

You drink our bubble tea and like sushi
And you think Lucy Liu great
You like Bruce Lee movies you think they're cool
You why you have to treat me this way...
Oh oh I'm an Asian, I a legal Asian I'm an Asian in Christchurch...

And we had heaps of other versus and hearing it sung by 2 DJs in Chinese accents made it very funny (if I do say so myself)

We got lots of letters of support from our Asian listeners saying "thanks for standing up for us" and "saying what needed to be said".
"You've taken a tough issue and handled it in a funny amusing way ...thanks"
The response was really overwhelming. And we got some really heartfelt letters from kid who had been bullied at school who found "strength in the words" ...brilliant!

But we also got complaints. TWO complaints to be precise. (Quite a small number compared to the amount of praise we got)

The TWO people were white old locals. And why did they complain?
"Because the Asians might find that song offensive!"
That was their excuse. They MIGHT find it offensive.

But they didn't, in fact the opposite was happenning.
But these letters made their way to the bosses office and we were forbidden to play that song ever again...or else we'd be fired.
We argued and argued but to no avail.
So we went on air and told the city that we were not allowed to play that song. ANd everyone who LIKED it should send in emails demanding it be added to the playlist.

Yes we got a huge response but the bosses decision was final. The best we could do was play "Englishman in New York" and encourage people to sing THEIR version over it.

I work in advertising now and the thing that really bugs me is that 99% of all complaints made people in the UK (and NZ) are done by the same tiny percent of the population.

It's a set group of old farts who have nothing better to do with their time than complain.
You can't do anything anymore...anything that sparks interest and gets people talking!!

And thats what we did. We got people talking...in a good way about an issue that no one wanted to talk about.

I have fond memories of those good old days on air...and I have the song at home on a CD somewhere. I should track it down and post it somewhere.

Anyway...sorry about the length...but I hate racism...but I hate old people who complain about nothing even more...

chairs
mg x
(Wed 28th Nov 2007, 18:07, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

soft core porn
what's the point?

people that like porn don't like it

people that DON'T like porn don't like it.

who's it for?
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 11:36, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Fuming in the Car
This happened to a mate of mine.

He was out with his family at a shopping mall. They were there to pick up his little sister. Since they couldn't find a carpark, they double parked and instructed my mate (Mike) to run inside and get her.

Being a solidly built angry 22 yer old bloke into his heavey metal, Mike didn't want to. His dad was in the drivers seat and his mum was in the back. After 10 min of heated debate by all he stormed out of the car to go fetch his sister...slamming the door behind him.

He couldn't find her in the cafe she said she'd be at so he walked back outside, into the car (passenger side) and yelled "I can't find her". He slammed the door shut and sat there with his arms crossed, staring out the passenger window.

After about 30 seconds of complete silence he looked around, only to find TWO elderly strangers staring at him wide eyed, motionless and completely terrified!

He'd of course got into the wrong car...his dad had gone round the block to see if he could find a car space. He apologised and left the vehicle...being a bit more gentle on the door this time.
(Mon 4th Jun 2007, 14:23, More)
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