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» I'm glad nobody saw me

One in the eye
It was a barbeque at ours a few years ago. When you are the parents of (at the time) 10 and 7 year olds, you take these opportunities to gather with other parents with children of a similar age. The kids go and brain themselves on the trampoline and the grown ups sit in the garden and slowly drink themselves silly.

A bit later on food is prepared. The kids all eat first coz the adults are still happy drinking. And inevitably the kids want drinks with their food.

Thus I find myself dispatched to the kitchen to retrive lemonade. And there on the worktop I find two 2-litre plastic bottles. These are of the 2-pack variety that supermarkets sometimes do where the sleeve encompasses both bottles.

Also in the kitchen - out of reach of small hands - was a large kitchen knife. Aha, thinks me - a dashing way to split the bottles. So I snatch up the knife, and in an over-elaborate arc bring it swiftly down to quckly and neatly separate the two plastic bottles.

Except of course, I had been exuberantly partaking of the aforementioned alcohol. The knife pierces the right-hand bottle dead-centre about an inch below the lid. And a small, but incredibly precise jet of lemonade squirts out of the hole and hits me exactly in my right eye.

No one saw this.
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 11:19, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

World's Sickest Joke
Two Dyslexics sitting in a room.
Dyslexic 1: Can you smell gas?
Dyslexic 2: I can't even smell my own name!
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 23:25, More)

» Dad stories

Stolen from Homer J. Simpson I know, but...
On my son's first birthday, I wrote the following in his birthday card:
When you're 18, you're out the door!
(Wed 1st Dec 2010, 16:11, More)