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BraynDedd tugs our sleeve and asks: "You know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to ruin every social situation by being an embarrassment/sexist/racist/bellend etc. Tell us about your twattiest mate."

(, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 10:50)
Pages: Popular, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.


I'm at our SoftBall club's season launch and coaches/managers meeting as both a committee member and coach of my daughter's team.

A fellow committee member - I'll call him Reginald sidles up to me. I wouldn't say Reg is a mate per-se but we serve on a couple of committees together (PCYC and SoftBall), we've known each other since both our kids started school and we always have a long natter/argument at the PCYC Grounds Committee meetings (Fri. arvo shout at the pub after work).
He's one of those borderline aspy types who it seems frequently opens his mouth before his brain properly engages and applies a filter to what he's saying and how he's behaving in social situations.
Some of his past exploits include - jokingly calling the PCYC president a cunt during a funny situation at a meeting. When queried by the secretary if he really wanted to say that he affirmed it repeating that said bloke was a cunt and then laughing uproariously. Duly noted in the minutes...
At one of our Grounds Committee meetings I saw a former work-mate Ben, who happens to play prop for an A grade local club. After a bit of to-&-fro I tell Ben to "Get fucked you dumbshit" (a throwback to our days at work when we'd give each other shit at knockoff). Reg jumps in very aggressively and tells Ben "Yeah, FUCK OFF!!". I managed to intercede but not before Ben gave Reg a need to iron his lapels and probably check his undies.

So last night - I'm talking to Reg and he motions over to our (fairly well endowed) club secretary. "I'll never get tired of look at those tits." he says to me. In a voice easily loud enough for her to hear. And Reg's missus whom she happens to be speaking to at the time. And most of the rest of the hall.
I shake my head and Reg almost shouts "What? I'm a married man mate."
"Not for very much longer." I mumble as I wander off to get some more sushi and fresh lemon, lime and soda.
Length? I'd say she's
a 33D and isn't afraid to open the buttons on her committee shirt enough to show off a bit of cleavage.
(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 12:17, 1 reply)
Mods! What's with the deletion?

(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 12:11, 1 reply)
Again!
Again, again!
(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:50, 2 replies)
Twat with a Capital T!
Pre-season softball meets can be a real drag. A load of competitive dads and uninterested mums get together in the clubhouse to 'plan' the season. The fathers talk about training regimes and fixture lists, whilst the women use the get-together to gossip and natter over equally inane issues.

The only saving grace at these interminably dull events is Bella, the club secretary. She's a knockout...with two wonderfully large softballs - if you know what I mean!

Last season I found myself sat with Reggie, an old mate with whom I can share stories dating back to high-school. Reg, like me is now 'happily' married and both our good wives were also chatting with each other at the back of the bar. Reg and I spied Bella collecting glasses from the next table, she was, as usual, wearing a particularly low-cut top, with a couple of buttons more than necessary undone.

'I'll never tire of looking at those tits', said Reggie, or at least he thought he'd said. But by some awful piece of unintended comic timing, Reggie's comment came at a moment of near perfect silence in the room. Everybody heard.

The whole room stared at us, and our wives reddened deeply with embarrassment.

Reggie took stock of the situation. How was he going to get out of this one?

'For fucks sake Rob!' He yelled, pointing at me, 'You're married with a kid...she's half your age mate.'

And with that he slowly got up from the table, leaving everybody staring at me with the horrible hatred and pity reserved for middle-aged perverts. I caught Bella's eye for a second, she slowly and purposefully did the buttons up on her blouse and flounced out the room.

I don't think I've ever squared that one with the missus, nor with the softball club for that matter. Still, a mate's a mate, eh?
(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:09, 3 replies)
This one happened just last night.
I'm at our SoftBall club's season launch and coaches/managers meeting as both a committee member and coach of my daughter's team.

A fellow committee member - I'll call him Reginald sidles up to me. I wouldn't say Reg is a mate per-se but we serve on a couple of committees together (PCYC and SoftBall), we've known each other since both our kids started school and we always have a long natter/argument at the PCYC Grounds Committee meetings (Fri. arvo shout at the pub after work).
He's one of those borderline aspy types who it seems frequently opens his mouth before his brain properly engages and applies a filter to what he's saying and how he's behaving in social situations.
Some of his past exploits include - jokingly calling the PCYC president a cunt during a funny situation at a meeting. When queried by the secretary if he really wanted to say that he affirmed it repeating that said bloke was a cunt and then laughing uproariously. Duly noted in the minutes...
At one of our Grounds Committee meetings I saw a former work-mate Ben, who happens to play prop for an A grade local club. After a bit of to-&-fro I tell Ben to "Get fucked you dumbshit" (a throwback to our days at work when we'd give each other shit at knockoff). Reg jumps in very aggressively and tells Ben "Yeah, FUCK OFF!!". I managed to intercede but not before Ben gave Reg a need to iron his lapels and probably check his undies.

So last night - I'm talking to Reg and he motions over to our (fairly well endowed) club secretary. "I'll never get tired of look at those tits." he says to me. In a voice easily loud enough for her to hear. And Reg's missus whom she happens to be speaking to at the time. And most of the rest of the hall.
I shake my head and Reg almost shouts "What? I'm a married man mate."
"Not for very much longer." I mumble as I wander off to get some more sushi and fresh lemon, lime and soda.
Length? I'd say she's a 33D and isn't afraid to open the buttons on her committee shirt enough to show off a bit of cleavage.
(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 4:54, 27 replies)
My imaginary friend isn't talking to me

(, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 0:49, 4 replies)
I think you will find that that is check mate.
I win.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 21:26, Reply)
I guess for many people it is me :)
but to be honest as odd as they find me I find most to be so boring and dull and middle of the road putting the extra in ordinary.

I like to hang around with other open mic comedians now. All odd together. All in context. All not be offended by every little fucking thing. All accepting other very strange behavior as that's the way they are. Only one total utter cunt in the whole London crowd and he's left now.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 21:03, 4 replies)
My freshers' week friend
So my first week at Cambridge, lots of events organised for us to orientate ourselves in this ancient seat of learning (get drunk).

My next-door neighbour was a contestant in the oh-so-hilarious blind date in the college bar. He turned up in a blazer, with a college scarf, and every single answer he gave - in a very plummy accent - started off normal, got odder, and ended with a crescendo to "and then I'd **** her 'til she bleeds. Raaaaaaaaah".

The atmosphere got frostier and frostier, as everyone stared at the person they'd been dreading Cambridge being full of. Thing is, I was one of the few who knew that he was a left-wing social and political sciences student with a penchant for drama who had decided this would be an interesting thing to do.

You've almost certainly watched things he's written/directed on BBC and C4, and he's even acted in a few of them, won awards from all sorts of respectable drama/film bodies. Now I just think he's a twat for being so successful/talented it makes me cry.

***EDIT*** Many guesses, but nobody close. You probably won't know him unless you're quite into film/drama/screenwriters. But if you are, you definitely would know him.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 16:43, 6 replies)
i bullied an internet once.

(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 15:48, 4 replies)
Oh man
I've actually had stories published about some of the characters we get passing through the Korean expat community. But I know what this site likes so this post will be about my friend Sean.

I first met Sean through an old defunct message board I used to admin. He seemed eager, even peppy, and lacking in an internal censor or common sense. He had met a Korean girl who was on a working holiday in America, fell in love, and decided to follow her back to Korea where we all are.

In order to work in Korea, as a foreigner, all you really need is a university degree and you'll find someone willing to stick you in front of a class of kids -- it doesn't matter if the degree is in education or engineering or sex ed. Sean hadn't completed it yet, and was heavily in student debt as is the American way, but no big deal -- there are ways to work illegally, and student loans apparently grow on trees in 'Murica.

His first time in Korea, he stayed for three months, the maximum tourist visa for Americans. I arranged to meet up with him and do a bit of urban exploring, as is my thing. We met up and immediately I could tell he wasn't the peppy keener I was expecting. In person his mind and speech patterns moved at the speed of an iceberg, and he sounded kind of perma-fried.

It turned out actually that the night before, he had gotten in a bit of trouble. There was a Korean-American girl who hovered around our social group and preyed on guys in relationships (and at a later date gave a handful of guys the herp, some of whom passed it on to their own girlfriends). She had been fizzing after one Polish guy all night, and when that didn't work, Sean swooped in and offered to bring her back to his goshiwon.

So...a goshiwon is sort of like a hostel, usually used for students, usually over many months, and costs as little as USD 11 per day. The bed is about the size of an ironing board and there's barely enough room to fit a TV in too. Apparently he brought her back there, they boned, and in the morning they went out for breakfast, only to come back to the closet-sized room to find Sean's actual girlfriend inspecting a suspicious pair of panties.

He told me he'd sorted it out with the love of his life, and then proceeded to show me a picture of the girl he'd boned which he'd taken of her nude while he slept. Classy.

He left Korea soon after, but came back after not too long, this time as an exchange student at a Korean university in the city of Suwon, a little south of Seoul. To cut a long story short on this front, he failed all his classes and was nearly evicted from the dorm. Let's look at some of the highlights of this visit.

Of course he and his girlfriend broke up many times over this time. What's worse, he cheated on her numerous times over the course of their relationship. I and many of my friends were fuming by now, me especially because I'd recently gotten divorced for far less than anything he was ever caught for.

During this time, he formed a band with some of my other close friends, named Brothers of the Hole (a loose translation of a very lurid Korean phrase referring to the relationship between two guys who have slept with the same woman; actually due to the girl he'd slept with on the previous trip he was in fact brothers of the hole with two of his three bandmates). He actually had a talent for writing the guitar parts for songs, and while they were lasted they were very entertaining (at least to me, as they had a song dedicated to me).

For their debut show, the lead singer put a show together in a small neighbourhood bar. It was supposed to start at 7 in Seoul. Around 5:30, we got a call from Sean, who had just woken up in his university town of Suwon, two hours away. He had woken up in a love motel with a strange girl he didn't remember meeting. We got the news while sitting around a table with his girlfriend, so for the next 2+ hours we all had to bite our tongues so she didn't catch on.

I really wanted to tell her, but ultimately the rule is "bros before hoes" and I didn't want to become a participating member in their relationship.

A couple months later, I went on a trip to North Korea, and while I was gone I had my Australian friend Nik housesitting for me and feeding my cats. Sean had wanted to but I flat out told him no. After I got back, my place was a bit cramped for me and Nik, so Nik moved down to Sean's dorm in Suwon for a few days.

While he was there, he related this story. Sean brought him out drinking with a big group of exchange students, during which Sean started hitting on one (unrelated to the first) Korean-American girl there. At some point, someone else in the group fed up with his behaviour shouted "Hey Sean, what about your Korean fiancee?" (by this time they were engaged)

Sean looked forlorn for a moment, and said, with no clarification or further explanation, "She was hit by a bus!" then went back to hitting in this girl.

Around this time, there was a new business in my neighbourhood, known as a "Kiss bang" (literally "kissing room"). It's kind of a prostitution establishment where the guy can go to town on the female worker but absolutely can't undress her. Out of curiosity Sean and another friend went there. The other friend was fluent in Korean and asked the worker many questions, mainly "Who would come to a place like this?" to which she answered "Lonely old men."

Sean, meanwhile, paid a bit extra for an HJ, which was as far as they would go on him. He was unsatisfied and unable to finish.

Around this time I was unemployed and suffering from insomnia and not really connected to the 24-hour day. So when I got a phone call from Sean the next morning at 8am I wasn't too bothered.

He said something like "I was hanging out with {redacted} the night before and I was trying to explain to him about this red-light district in Suwon. We're at Suwon Train Station and I want to show it to him, but I can't remember where it is. Can you help?"

I knew very well, as I'd accidentally discovered it while on the very first ever date with my ex-wife when we took a wrong turn while trying to find a particular restaurant. So my directions were basically "From Suwon Train Station, go to the big front steps, stop, and tilt your head about 45 degrees to the left. You'll see a bus terminal, and right behind that is an alley that leads straight there."

An hour later, he called back. "I can't find it."

I sigh and am about to start repeating myself.

"I just want a blowjob," he replies.

Uh, yeah, no, I'm not going to intentionally help you cheat on your girlfriend. I ended the call, but heard he'd also called up two other friends (who didn't know the way) asking for directions.

Anyway, his second time there he was never caught cheating, but his girlfriend had really called him out on being a shitty boyfriend. He was extremely low on money, as every spare penny he got went toward makgeolli, a type of rice beer. Once he had one drink, he'd basically forget about sleeping and just keep drinking and drinking and drinking, which isn't hard when you're buying super-cheap Korean alcohol.

She tried to get him to stop drinking a couple times. But always, after he reached a milestone like one week, she'd want a drink herself, or they'd decide it was worth celebrating, and they'd have one drink, and 48 hours he was still awake and drinking.

His money drained out and he was unable to take care of her, so she took care of him. One night, they met up to go drinking, and she was eating an ice cream waffle when he arrived. He grabbed it out of her hands, saying "If you eat this, you won't have room for beer." He then ate half of it and threw the rest away.

Yeesh, I could keep going, but I have to head out. His third visit was much more sedate, but it led to their inevitable breakup. He took out another expensive loan, this time returning "as a rock star" in contrast with previous visits as a tourist and as a student.

The only memory I can relate right now is sitting in our favourite bar with a third Canadian friend, when he starts talking about smoking crack and meth and any other drug you can name. Me and the other guy both had never done anything harder than shrooms so we really couldn't relate. He just saw us as sheltered prudes, not ever reflecting on his burned out state.

I think it was this third visit where he was hanging out with a group of our friends in the main park in Hongdae, the center for nightlife in Seoul, when he met up with a really crazy Korean woman who you can tell just by listening to her rant or by smelling her that she's not sane. He however was fixated on her chest, and they ran off together. We don't know what happened next; he says they went to a bar, where he realised she was literally nuts and ditched her, but who knows. As another friend was berating him for being so unfaithful, he remarked "But she just has big tits!" Way to cover your tracks there.

I heard he was five figures in debt, and had no hope of paying off his student loans in his lifetime. He's since moved back to the US where he has a much less active social life, and following the inevitable breakup, he's stopped coming to Korea.

I genuinely like the guy despite all of this, and he always did it in kind of a naive way rather than a particularly cynical way. Who knows, maybe he'll finish his degree and move back.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 15:00, 10 replies)
My friend at school was jolly rich - or rather - his family were.
His nice but incredibly boring uncle had a boat, and one day took us for a spin in it.

It was just a little sort of fisherman's-type thing - there was room for the three of us in the cabin but that was pretty well it, but he had a hat and everything, and off we went.

We chugged backwards and turned around, and then he got on the radio.

In an incredibly deep, authoritative and posh voice, he said, "Padstow Harbour, Padstow Harbour ... this is Lucky Lady - Lucky Lady. Requesting leave of harbour, over."

A few seconds and crackles later, and a very Cornish voice replied "Is that yew, Tim? 'Ello! Yer - you go 'head my son - er's a lovely day, inner!".

He seemed a little miffed by that.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 14:27, 4 replies)
you are the twat

(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 14:05, 9 replies)
oh, there is also deathly dull dirk, the man with the world's most monotonous voice. EVER.
a hangover from school, whom we still see from time to time. you know, nice guy, but you fight not to sit next to him at dinner. one evening i drew the short straw. fighting for consciousness and a conversation that wasn't about bolton fc, i asked him about his job. it went along these lines:

are you still at the office of national statistics?

no. i'm now at the national office of statistics...

jesus.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 13:53, 9 replies)
i don't really have any twat friends; just a few who have behaved twattishly on various occasions
however, some of my friends have married right twats. check out stingy pete...

we were all round at my friends' house one evening. 3 couples and foreveralone me. i arrived late, as i wasn't eating. when their thai takeaway arrived, even later than me, it was 58. the host said, that's 20 each then, tiny tip for the delivery guy.

"excuse me," said stingy pete, who earns a hella good salary btw, "but ours is only 18..."

he has also been known to take undrunk bottles of wine home with him after going to a dinner party, been caught pocketing the tip when it was left in cash by someone else, and, worst of all, when they were living in france, a mutual but non-french speaking mate passed him a fifty euro note to buy a round of coffees.

AND HE POCKETED THE CHANGE. which was about 42 euros. later on, when they got a round of alcoholic drinks, stingy pete said he'd pay. and, you guessed it, whipped out the 42 euros change and paid from that. he then handed over the balance. unbelievable.
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 13:51, 5 replies)
hahahahaha yeah hahahahaha twattiest hahahaha

(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 13:39, 1 reply)
haha, right, get this
i don't know who the twat is in my group of friends so it must be me, right? hahaha yeah
(, Wed 25 Sep 2013, 13:10, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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