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My Mother in law has a habit of "gifting". She will take crap she doesn't want anymore and hide it around our house when she visits. Tell us your tales of the In Laws.

(, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 12:15)
Pages: Popular, 2, 1

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The class divide
My Mum's family are pretty well off - professionals with big houses, 4x4s, that sort of thing - but my Dad was.. shall we say, differently moneyed. If you cunts met him in the pub you'd think he was a total dropout; never doing the same job more than a few months, always on the scrounge for change for a pint, would bend your ear on any subject but never really managed to actually be accomplished enough to settle into, you know, a career.

That didn't stop my Mum from falling completely in love with him, of course, which went down like burnt caviar with her parents. They took against my old man immediately and would make life as difficult as possible for them both.
I wasn't born yet but I've been told the stories of ambushing him with formal occasions just to watch him be refused entry to a posh restaurant because he didn't fit the dress code, or putting him on the spot at those godawful pretend "charity auctions" where people just waggle their expense account dicks at each other. Anyway, when they realised my Mum simply refused to break up with him they basically closed ranks and shut both of them out. They moved across the country to start out on their own, and although they couldn't afford it I was born about a year later.

Well wouldn't you know it, the cunt in-laws were right and my Dad fucked off when I was about 2; I've only seen him occasionally since then and I'm in my forties now. My Mum didn't forget the way the family had turned her out though and supported me alone, in a shit and decaying part of the country. I don't want to be too specific but when there's a cheese named after where you live, you know it's a shithole.

Anyway, every now and again the "family" would get in touch, or try to, asking after me, trying to make my Mum feel bad that instead of doing extra classes after school I was fucking around with a ball and my mates. They'd tell her we were welcome to come back any time... as long as my Dad wasn't involved. Looking back now, they didn't even know he'd left, but my Mum was way too proud to take up the offer, preferring them to think she was happy with Dad.

Meanwhile the area we lived just got rougher, you know what it's like when a whole town just gets passed over for any kind of positive investment.
Half the high street was shuttered; an unvandalised phone box was rarer than rocking horse shit. Generally you get on with it, and as a teenage boy I just sort of kept my head down and didn't let it bother me. But deep down I knew Mum was freaked out just a little bit more every time something happened. I wasn't going to be a shut in for her benefit so I made a point of being home when I said I would and managed to keep off the old Bill's radar by staying out of trouble.

I could always tell when Mum had had a letter from back home because she'd get really antsy, telling me I didn't appreciate what I had and accusing me of wanting to leave her. Looking back, it was a coping mechanism she was using to get her head around what she knew had to happen.

By the time I was 16 there were local gangs actively recruiting runners and vandals, kids who are only too keen to have an excuse to go smashing stuff up, literally at the school gates. Even some of my mates got involved. Eventually, of course, they didn't want to take no for an answer and on the way home I got jumped by four guys.

I managed to get away without being seriously hurt but when I got home my Mum freaked the fuck out and immediately sent me to live with my Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2017, 14:19, 17 replies)
I fucked my mother-in-law

(, Fri 23 Jun 2017, 13:17, 2 replies)
'Gerroverere you fuggin' cunt!'
Mark King was drunk. Again. The Butlin's gig had gone down a storm and as usual Mark was celebrating post-gig with a couple of bottles of Tesco Finest Sauv Blanc, his 'weapon of choice'. Lindup was sitting nervously by the door, dreading the inevitable.

'They like you best, Mike, you fuggin' wanker. Why???' he wailed plaintively. 'What have you got that I haven't?' A salty tear ran down Mark's cruelly-disfigured visage. 'I, I d-don't know, Mark' stammered The Lindonator. He knew what was coming next. 'I'll fuggin' show *you* popular!', slurred Mark, fumbling with his belt. 'Please Mark, not again' begged Lindski-1. 'Here I come!!!' bellowed Mark, and he span round unevenly, spread his pockmarked arse cheeks and let rip a tumultous, reeking shart all over Lindow Man's terrified face and shoulders.

'Thanks Mark. Sorry Mark.' sobbed a crestfallen, shit-caked Lindup. 'Run THAT in yer family' murmured Mark as he fell fast asleep, snoring face down on the sofa.
(, Mon 10 Jul 2017, 14:24, 33 replies)
one of my brothers in law in Brazil has macular degeneration of the eyes. I think he's down to about 30% vision in the one eye that still works
But being Brazil he still drives his big 4WD everywhere. Being in the passenger seat is both hilarious and frightening. He doesn't see roundabouts and just drives straight over them at speed. He reacts really late to anybody getting in his way, but still blows his horn and swears at them as if it was their fault. He's had several crashes. Possibly not unrelated to his vision he had an ex-employee steal cash from his house. The local police offered to find the guy in return for a small bribe. He thought they would rough him up a bit. Instead they killed him. It's a fun country, Brazil
(, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 3:58, 2 replies)
Anal christmas
My mother in law once gave me an anal thermometer as a Christmas present.
The packet it came in already been opened and then sellotaped shut again.
(, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 20:37, Reply)
First post!
In your face Kaol (or whoever normally gets it)
(, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:15, 2 replies)
All this "Mike Lindup" and "dog tits" stuff is dumb for even your Talk/efforts
Show some respect to those who still have some time and love this place. If you don't like it then stop whining and feck off and leave us alone from your childish pranks.
(, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 20:52, 8 replies)
Pearoast.
My ex in-laws had the strangest method of ensuring they knew the whereabouts of the TV remote control.

They kept it on top of the TV.

So, when they changed a channel, they'd have to get up out of their chair, go to the TV, change the channel, replace the remote on top of the TV and go sit down.
Thick as a whale omelette
(, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 17:32, 11 replies)
Supersonic
I took my daughter and her boyfriend to the fleet air arm museum. Later that evening she gave her grandma (my ex-MIL) a call. "Hey Grandma" she says "me and Steve have been on Concorde".

"huggghhhhhh" says Grandma "I don't like cheap wine".

The same woman was a cracker - the ex-wife and I were walking home from the pub, and she spots her mum up against a wall down an alley, knickers round ankles, fag in hand, whilst some bloke (not her dad) presses against her having a knee trembler. "Just walk on and don't stare" says the ex-wife.........
(, Sun 18 Jun 2017, 8:41, 2 replies)
first serious boyfriend
after seeing him for 3 months, i finally met his mother.
she was sitting in a puddle of her own piss, biting huge chunks out of a block of cheese and mumbling incoherently in a drunken stupor.
can't help feeling i dodged a bullet, there.
(, Sat 17 Jun 2017, 17:47, Reply)


(, Wed 19 Jul 2017, 19:27, 2 replies)
Look, I'm just going to say it
I've never heard of mike fucking lindup.

(My MIL is lovely so there is nothing to report there)
(, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 10:18, 3 replies)
My father-in-law once shit on a dogs tits

(, Tue 27 Jun 2017, 15:16, 4 replies)
Mike Lindup of Level 42 once lent me a DVD on dog penises through the ages, presented by Chris Packham

(, Fri 23 Jun 2017, 17:53, 8 replies)
I fucked Mike Lindup of Level 42 in the staff room of Fleet Services during their 'Running in the Family' tour of July 1987
Fun fact: despite the songs chirpy lyrics, Mike Lindup actually hates his family. His dad is, and I quote, 'a fucking wanker'.
(, Fri 23 Jun 2017, 14:43, 2 replies)
Ex-Mother-in-law
Every now and then, I like to check out the number of days since my former mother-in-law has posted something racist on Facebook.

Current record = 16 minutes.
(, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 15:40, Reply)
Sisters in Law
I shagged both of my sisters in law!
(, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 16:02, 2 replies)
This one time, my father-in-law posted a new QOTW but it only got 11 replies. We don't talk about it.

(, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 20:31, 3 replies)
Third!
My father in law died from pancreatic cancer
(, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:26, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Popular, 2, 1