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This is a question B3TA fixes the world

Moon Monkey says: Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags.

(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 12:53)
Pages: Latest, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Disabled car park spaces outside Mothercare
Now I've got nout against providing easier access to shops for the disabled, but what I am against is seeing 14 disabled parking spots right outside the store and 2 parent spaces next to them. Who in the fuck thought that there is going to be more disabled families shopping as opposed to actual parents at a ratio of 7 to 1?????
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:49, 3 replies)
Bindun?
Fat people must spend a minimum of 10 hours per week running on/crawling/desperately trying to escape from giant reinforced hamster wheels attached to electricity generators.

Obesity and energy crisis solved in one go. I'm a genius of the modern age.

Length? Oooh at least a few kms a week.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 20:00, 2 replies)
TEA!
Regardless of the situation tea is the answer. If you are warm tea will cool you, if you are cool tea will warm you. If you are excited tea will calm you, if you are slow tea will rouse you.

Given that tea has mystical properties that fix everything, I propose that the answer is always tea. Here are my key points on how tea will fix broken Britain:

1. a sense of perspective.

After a nice cup of tea things become much clearer, so the country might not seem so broken after all. This will help us as a nation to gain a sense of perspective.

2. New laws to help promote tea.
such as lobbying the UN to include the right to a nice cup of tea and a sit down to its charter on basic human rights.

All starbucks baristi to be required to ask "are you sure you don't want a mug of tea and some biccies instead?" to everyone who asks for a latte and a muffin.

Road rage to be reduced by making the normal time for tea 4.45 instead of 4pm. this way when everyone goes to drive home at five they will be refreshed and relaxed.

3. Job creation
The unemployed will come to your house / place of work to get a brew going.

4. Better policing.
Q: what does a policeman keep under his helmet?
A: Now a Thermos full of tea and a special holster containing up to two sugars.

Having all PCs equipped with ready access to a nice cup of tea will keep them operating at peak efficiency thus keeping crime to a minimum.

5. smarter politics
To help the houses of parliament run more effectively for the sake of good governance all sittings will include regular tea breaks. the speaker of the house's duties will be expanded to include putting the kettle on. Bonus: to help improve on their image the Lib Dems could bring in scones from their west country seats (ooohh lovely).

6. Going green.
To encourage public transport use all buses will be equipped with tea making facilities.

7.Education.
Free tea for all school children, the biscuits they get along with it will be performance related: smart well behaved children get jaffa cakes, the scruffy thick ones have to suffer through Lidl's own rich tea.

8. national pride.
The national anthem will now stop halfway through for a quick cuppa just to make it even more British. this will gain us over 9000% more gold medals in the 2012 Olympics as those athletes will really need a tea after a long race.

9. Negative VAT on tea
Tea will be taxed at -20% the savings will allow even the poorest households access to fox's teatime assortment.

10. Healthcare.
Currently the NHS wastes eleventy billion pounds treating people who just need five minutes to have a sit down and a cup of tea. A national awareness campaign will extol the healing properties of tea.

11. The economy.
Right now we are facing a turbulent stock market, and mountains of toxic debt. And no wonder, have you seen stockbrokers at work? they are all "buy buy buy or sell sell sell" at the top of their lungs like some sort of manic capitalist howler monkey. After the 'Tea in banking act 2011' regulations set in the most common phrase on the trading floor will be " lets put the kettle on and think this through" making for a even keel economy.

You know it makes sense.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:35, 11 replies)
Having looked at some of the answers this week, I think closing down qotw is probably a good idea.
Some of these people should not have an internet voice.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:22, 7 replies)
Pointless corporate policies
That get in the way of common sense and decency. For example - being forced to ask open-ended droid-like questions to customers, as opposed to treating the customers like standard human beings.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 19:05, Reply)
Call Centres abroad.
WHY oh WHY oh why do call centres have to be situated in places where English customs and language are bastardised. The near comical accents and bizarre sentence formations are enough to make the blood boil. You often have to repeat even simple phrases over and over again just to ensure comprehension by the other person. Be warned companies of England, if you keep relocating valuable customer services to call centres in Scotland we will simply up and move.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 17:12, 12 replies)
People who use the word "less"
When they should use the word "fewer" would be utterly ignored by every section of society until they got it right.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:33, 8 replies)
racist?
Make it shameful for those who are vocally racist to be honourable enough to refuse all services, private or public, from foreign nationals. Watch the fuckers squirm in A&E/after the pub.

Up the level a year later and make them refuse to use anything that was not invented/produced in their country of residence.

Finally lets get them to tell me exactly how many years/generations you have to be resident in ones country before one is considered native. Let's finally get rid of all the fucking Normans.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 16:10, 6 replies)
Breeding License
You need a dog license, a TV license, a driving license, but you can lob your beans up any old slapper and create human life.

I propose local assessment centres as a first stage. The potential parents are examined for tattoos, face piercings, and signs of any knuckle scraping. A quick look at tax records and then onto the regional assessment board if successful.

At the RAB, a simple test comprising a table laden with a young child, a twenty bag of brown, and a six pack of fosters. The prospective parents are then asked to arrange the items in order of priority. That should cover the practical.

But a written paper would need to be followed. None of that choosing "C" on multiple choice questions... a proper written paper on what being a parent means. And then the interview... If you ask the future mother "what was the last book you read?" and she replies "Take a Break", then the ovaries should be ripped out through her belly button at once.

I wouldn't make it over complicated, but enough to stop the impending tide of light brown bottom feeders we currently face.

Shagging without a license? 12 points and a 6 month ban. How do you like them apples?
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:37, 71 replies)
Bring back
A form of National Serivice.
Not nessacailry a Armed Forces type of service but for a year from the ages of 17-18 young people, Have to take on some form of community service, be working in Hospitals, street cleaning, helping the eldelry, give the option of doing this for a year or two years in the armed forces (including Merchant navy, Peace corps, UN). This would educate people that the world is a much more varied place than their little provincial town.
University aged Students to be housed in their own accomodation, given a allowance and made to pay their own bills, inc gas, elecitity, food, and other living expenses. But not course fees. All students should be given a basic living allowance, and all universities should proivide the accomodation - enough accomodation for the full 3-4 year course (Therby providing jobs and training for Builders, Sparkys, plumbers ect). The University would have to have the buildings designed and build "In house" So student accomodantion dosen't end up looking like stalist Russia.
Teachers to be given the power to discipline children physicaly if applicable...Without the parents consent. Or a Discipline officer. a Ex Army Sergant, who disiplines children by beasting or physical punshment. freeing up the teachers to Teach.
Random drugs test for people claiming any form of benefit. Fail the drugs test your in trouble just as in the workplace. Cannabis to be looked at, on Perscription for pain relif MS,cancer ect.
A long hard look at how the Polital partys are funded, no backhanders, no peerage for perks. Everthinging must be accountable.
A revamp of the Police force. We have enough Officers, but the problem is they spend too much time on paperwork. So as the police officers are all equipped with Backberries, and other media deivies with the prolifeation of CCTV a "secratry" for say eery 4 or 6 officers, who processes the crimes for them, so when the crim is brought into the station a memory stick can be passed over to the secratry to process them.
Large compaines such who expolit loopholes to avoid paying taxes, the MD's to be held accountable to criminal charges, such as Fraud...Vodafone i'm looking at you. If such a company still expoilts loopholes then baliffs to be sent into the millions of town center shops to sieze assets.
The driving test, teach defensive driving, not how to pass a test.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 15:25, 6 replies)
Just one simple rule.
Anybody who thinks that quoting an advert for 'humourous' effect is in any way the sort of thing that a functioning member of society should do ought to be immediately executed without consultation or appeal.

I'll "should've gone to Specsavers" you, you cunt.

Simples...
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 14:57, 11 replies)
Seriously, though, and I know it's a repost, but it hasn't received nearly enough mirroring bile
Receipts are very obviously wrong. Anyone - man or woman - after a day's Christmas shopping can see this.

The hardware shop you go into to buy your dad that new pair of gardenig gloves has a stupid bit of token paper about 1 inch square, whereas when you go to Maplins to get the electrical wire for your nephew's stereo they give you two sheets of A4. Sainsburys give you an acceptably-sized ticket though let's face it it's only because you've bought two bottles of Cava and a box of Matchstick chocolates, and then going into River Island to get your sister that jumper and they give you another bloody receipt of another frigging size. And do not get me started on Apple now doing fucking "electronic receipts" by email oh dear gods they need to burn, burn, burn.

A man's wallet is the same size - whatever the man, whatever the wallet. It's battered, and contains his cards, his work ID, a couple of pictures of what he thinks are his kids, a used train ticket and perhaps a fiver. It's 7 inches long by 3 1/2 high (yes yes, calm down), and it can hold the holy trinity of a twenty, a ten and a fiver if necessary. A fifty is actually a bit too big, the Royal Mint know this and that's why they're that size - to repress the peasants and make sure that should they ever get hold of one they ruin it's crisp lovlieness immediately if they try to store it away.

So the solution is this: MAKE ALL RECEIPTS THE SAME SIZE. I'd say 2 1/2 inches wide by as many as necessary high. These will offer enough room for your company logo, time, date of transactions, transactions themselves, and a bit at the bottom to say "See you again soon" or "Buy more of our stuff" or whatever sycophantic, idiot waste of ink that will only ever be read by the insanely bored in a waiting room, that the company deems appropriate, at the bottom.

It will have the added advantage that women's handbags and purses can then be adapted (they know, and we know, that every handbag however new is only ever on the brink of being replaced for a newer, nicer one) to have a dedicated receipt section.

Seriously.

It's an obvious problem, and we can fix it.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 14:31, 8 replies)
unprivatisation, council houses and knackered cars
I reckon, right, that the government should take back all the stuff they've privatised over the years so it's all back to public services rather that profit based bollocks. This includes council housing, though not necessarily the same houses, preferably enough to make the bottom fall out of the housing market so it's not obscenely expensive to live somewhere. Also everyone should treat their cars with less respect and not care about dents and scratches.
there, fixed it!

I *might* be a bit of a commie
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 14:02, 3 replies)
Where to start?
Smoking back in pubs, NOW!
No one to earn more than 50K per year, there's no need for your greed.
Corporations to actually pay their taxes so the rest of don't have to.
Buses to have automatic right of way at all times.
Marmite on prescription. (Actually no, that would cost more!)
The Labour party to learn what labour really means.
Fags to be taxed like they are abroad, ie: not insanely.
Less bean-counters, more teachers/nurses/policemen/etc.
Humorous knob gag.
Cats to live forever.
Bankers responsible for current stupidity to be publicly hung.
Ditto politicians.

Oh, I give up, there's too many...
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:59, 11 replies)
If a woman does something bad
They should be spanked
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:40, 11 replies)
Sherbet to lemon ratio of sherbet lemons to be increased by 40%
...erm, I think that's pretty self-explanatory
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:23, 4 replies)
Congestion charging? Traffic nightmares? Pah!
All city centres to be converted to large-scale dodgem rinks. Park your car at the edge of the city (London already has a ready-made car park; it's called the M25), purchase a ticket and jump into the next available dodgem.

All the stresses and strains of the day/journey thus far/shit night you had with your partner/whatever evaporate as you gleefully dodgem-raid your way to work/back to your car.

Days off work due to stress will be drastically cut; congestion will ease; the homeless can be employed to jump on the back of the cars that get stuck and spin the steering wheel to get you going again... and any cities with pigeon problems will find that the electrified netting over all the streets cuts the pigeon population down quickly too!

Honestly I can't see a downside...
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:20, 13 replies)
Everything's beautiful man
Professional models can only be recruited by random selection from the electoral roll, so models reflect what people really look like. Except balding, podgy middle-aged scroti called Jeremy. Nobody wants to see that. And this allows Naomi Campbell to get a job on the till in Ikea.

And make people pay to use Facebook on the off-chance that the amount of deranged, pointless drivel on the web is fractionally decreased.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:18, 4 replies)
Get rid of all 'Consultants'
If you need someone, employ them at the same rate as the rest of your staff, if they cock up, you get them to fix it. If you no longer need them you either make them redundant or ask them if they'd like to look for another job. If they did good, give them a great reference, if they fucked it up, give them a shit reference.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:00, 4 replies)
The Gallows Factor
Not that I've given this much thought, but there should be posters around ex-industrial towns saying "Free Bus Service to Jeremy Kyle Show". Then every Saturday afternoon, the buses leave Bradford, Keighly, Rotherham et al filled with some of Britains finest job seekers, and converge on the TV studios at Teddington.

Here's the surprise. Instead of being on "Jeremy Kyle" the are now on "Britain's Got Capital Punishment - The Gallows Factor".

The "contestants" have 10 minutes each to describe their worth, and then a panel of judges from Surrey get to describe their fate.

Third Prize gets a good birching
Second Price gets forced sterilisation
But the winner is hung by the neck until dead.

Guest mentors shall include Michael Barrymore, and it's round to his gaff for the pool party.

Apart from the pool party, I'd watch that kind of show of a Saturday night.


Oh - and National Service. I wouldn't give the bastards guns, but I'd make all the unemployed yoof do a service. They can start by filling in pot holes to make cyclists happy.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 13:00, 5 replies)
Capital and corporal
punishment to be reintroduced, but only for those found guilty who are also subscribers to the Daily Mail.

Jamie Oliver to be made illegal with immediate effect.

Coffee shops to be forced by law to charge a minimum of 15 per cup of coffee, and the selection of coffee to be either white or black. Drink tea instead.

Any person referring to their partner as their "man" or their "woman" to be sent to a re-education camp. Your partner is neither your valet nor your charlady.

Premier League Darts to replace football on TV.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:59, 5 replies)
All policemen to be trained to do the Mr. Spock eyebrow and the Alan Rickman disapproving teacher voice.
Crime will be decimated in weeks.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:42, 4 replies)
"An' I'm not even LYIN'!"
Anyone heard using this phrase to be shot, repeatedly, until there is little left to bury.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:36, Reply)
Every human to die immediately.
Instant better world.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:29, 3 replies)
Live flogging on the telly, just before The National Lottery
Harsh, but fair.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:07, 3 replies)
Train companies need a massive kick up the arse
Here's the situation as it stands today:

1/ You buy your train ticket for the day/week/month/year

2/ The train company puts on a service it thinks is acceptable but it doesn't matter if it cocks it up because their customers have to put up with it knowing the alternative is more costly/ less convenient.

3/ The train company raises its prices at the end of the year but doesn't have to demonstrate an improvement in its service

4/ Everyone apart from the train company gets massively pissed off

Here's what should happen:

1/ The customer purchases an 'intent to travel' ticket for the day/week/month/year which registers when and where they want to travel. The customer has an oyster-style card which logs them in and out as they pass through the station.

2/ If the train company delivers according to the registered details the ticket cost is deducted from their account.

3/ For weekly, Monthly and Annual tickets, the train company is allowed to cock-up the service a set number of times without penalty (because accidents happen). Any disruption beyond these times and the journey is free.

4/ If the train company doesn't have to offer any free journeys throughout the year, they are allowed to raise prices.

Simples :-)
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 12:00, 5 replies)
Ideas for a better world.
Besides taking the better bits out of Huxley, Battle Royale and Lord of the Flies, it makes sense to me to have some sort of parenthood test before parents have kids.

A bit like this: goo.gl/ulqcn
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:22, 6 replies)
How about replacing alcohol with cannabis?
Make alcohol illegal, alcoholics can get it in small doses on prescription from their doctor - foul-tasting, mass produced vodka or something.

Pubs turned into 'coffe shops' with state licenced cannabis available. Produced in state run greenhouses and taxed at a sensible rate to make it affordable for all. But not for under 18s of course. They will have to fake i.d.s or get someone to buy it for them.

We'll be able to cut down on policing the streets at weekends by about 300% and hospitals will only need a skeleton staff through the nights.

EDIT: As I said, replace alcohol with cannabis, so, instead of hippies growing their own in the back garden, dippies (TM) will brew their own beer in the shed and the rozzers will leave them alone as long as they don't turn into Al Capone, with illegal stills selling for profits. Inevitable and harmless.

And I take the point - not state grown, but state taxed. Farmers will be able to do it much better. They shouldn't have trouble finding casual labour either.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:15, 11 replies)

You should only be allowed to get married after you've had 3 shitty relationships that have ended in horrendous break ups.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2011, 11:03, 2 replies)

This question is now closed.

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