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This is a question The B3ta Cookbook

We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes. Can't cook? Don't let that stop you telling us about the disastrous shit you've made.

(, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:56)
Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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Good Times.
Hi Cunts, trolls and honey’s (honey’s; lovely girls, with a goodly buxom girth, fun attitude and merriment abounding. Mmmm honey’s)

I fucking love cooking. Especially cooking for my mates. Fact.
(Dr. Shambolic; simple statement, not a constructive sentence, suck my uncut cheesy cock. Go ahead, release your impotent rage)

I shall regale you with tonight’s menu......


Back-story; 5 blokes, in a magnificent old heritage rental house in a far Western Qld town; been working together for years, one night together in a nice old house, cold night, fully refurbished with new kitchen, open fireplace with roaring fire, no spouses, brand new Ilve stove, ice cold beer.


Tomorrow we go forth to spend the next 3 weeks living in demountable accommodation, in “dry camps” , but tonight we enjoy good company, cold beer and a hefty meal cooked by one Mr. Oath..

But firstly, cooking needs music. If cooking with music doesn’t get your bones moving, you’re heart is truly fucking dead.

Tonight’s menu is simple; T bond steak, potatoes, mushrooms and snow peas. Perfect balance of bowel cancer inducing amounts of meat, carbs and greens.

The prep work: I use any pretty much any track from “Slade Alive” to season and oil steaks, peel potatoes, chop mushrooms, de-string beans. If you don’t know who Noddy Holder is, the use Google, or get a fucking life.

Next, Slade Alive may give way to a live rendition of “Dirty Love” by Motorhead as you toss chunked potato’s with olive oil, sea salt, cheap shitty Chinese garlic, rosemary and white pepper (only white pepper, black pepper is too harsh, and only serial masturbators in restaurants use black pepper) onto an oven tray.

Spread the spuds around a baking tray then bung them in a pre-heated oven. Motorhead may be substituted by Hunters and Collectors for the Australian’s, but I like to keep it real for my UK brethren. Also, I’ve had beers with Lemmy, so it seems like he’s here, man, when I play his music whilst cooking. He smells like bourbon and fags. Comforting.


So, halfway now, quick , quick have another beer, then mellow down the music, as you have to concentrate on cooking meat. Try “Gay Bar” by Electric Six. So soothing and relaxing. Chicks also think you’re really broad minded too.


By now a big, big fucking big frying pan should be pre-heated to searingly melting hot. The steaks should be room temperature, happily marinated in olive oil, sea salt and nothing else. Big fucking T Bones Steaks. Unbelievable an animal can grow so large. Oooh, so big. Gets me hard. So raw.


Lay the steaks into the searing hot pan.. Oooh so gentle. Such big clumsy steaks, they need all the help they can get. Sizzle sizzle. When they start to sweat on one side, turn them over, twist of salt. After a minute, remove from pan and stack onto a heated plate.
Next toss the chopped mushrooms into the pan to soak up the steak juices. Mushrooms also need a lot of butter, but of course you have pre-mashed a good teaspoon of chopped garlic into the butter. Smear the garlic butter onto the mushrooms as they fry. The pan juices mingle with the melting butter, as the mushrooms begin to soften. Then, just as the mushrooms become soft and pliable, add a dash of milk mixed with cornflour. Ooooh, magic. Mushrooms in thick gravy. Shake a dash of white pepper over the whole mix as Cold Chisel’s live rendition of “Baby’s On Fire” sooths your bones.


At this point, I think of Nigella. Plummy accent, huge tits hidden thighs. Another life. I also think Buzzcocks, or Peter and the Test Tube Babies.


As the mushrooms are bubbling in their wonderful gravy, quickly shlupp them onto each plate whilst hot, return the steaks to the pan to sop up the juices, then plunge the snow peas onto boiling water.
The spuds are done ,so quickly grab the tray from the oven, shake a handful onto each plate, and chuck the tray into the sink. Now retrieve the snow peas, 1 minute max in boiling water will do. Chuck them in a colander or sieve, run briefly them under cold tap water, shake dry like a pissy dick, and toss a few on each plate.


Lastly, as Creedence Clear Water Revival begins, grab a pair of tongs and place a steak on each plate.


Steak, spuds, mushrooms done in steaky-gravy and fresh crunchy show peas. Serve with beer and a maybe some David Bowie – it lends to the silence as everybody devours their dinner, even though he’s old and a bit dick-sucky. You’ll be surprised.


Crack a beer, toast all and sundry (and Nigella’s tits) absent loved ones, and eat.


For Dessert, I find that a remote controlled helicopter unleashed indoors will suffice, a coffee, a fag and outdoors to look at the stars.


Then, uncurl a massive shit and enjoy a good night’s sleep. for tomorrow purgatory begins.



Insert your own musical choices, but always cook with loud tunes, mates, happiness and whatever is to hand. It's good for the soul.




Cooking. Fucking love it.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:09, closed)
Ken, yer pissed.
Wheeeee!
Also - needs more frontendloader.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:16, closed)
I'm blind..
It flows better with beer.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:20, closed)
I'd spray chilli
sauce all over that, to hide the taste of the fucking garlic.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:58, closed)
Yes,
one has to go easy with the garlic. I mix a bit of chilli sauce into the milk/cornflour mix.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:02, closed)
Are there really people who think steak and veg qualifies as 'cooking'?
How cute.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:19, closed)
Yarse, yarse...
When one applies heat to raw ingredients, I believe it qualifies as "cooking", although I agree, the ingredients are simple fare indeed. Working man's fodder. One cannot over-simplify a recipe for our anitpodean cousins, eh?

Best stick with the can of beer up a chook's arse.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:40, closed)
Terrible racialism.
The tip to tip top T bones is to stand them on their heads for a few minutes. I have exactly zero scientific evidence for this. But they look cool on the grill.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:47, closed)
Actually, I agree...
...cooks the little bits of marrow (spelling?).
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:54, closed)
And you'd fucking scoff it down too...
...I can hear you drooling from here.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:43, closed)
That's your mum again. Soz.
Shouldn't use the internet on speakerphone.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:48, closed)
Well...
...she's only human, you make her wet.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:55, closed)
this is written like your some kind of cunt

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 15:03, closed)
what kind?

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 15:17, closed)
a really smelly hairy one

(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:07, closed)
One that
can spell "you're".
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:37, closed)
Reminds me of Jamie Oliver.
Passion, and I'm sure a good cook, but it reads to me as overcomplicating "...cook until done, you'll learn when that is...".
(, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:28, closed)

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