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This is a question The B3ta Cookbook

We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes. Can't cook? Don't let that stop you telling us about the disastrous shit you've made.

(, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:56)
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Making shit
Right, so, I’m a bit of a food ponce. I like good food. I don’t subscribe to the food looking fancy shmancy shit, but I want the food I eat to taste nice. I will happily eat a kebab, KFC or McDonalds, because they do actually taste good. Even if they do make you feel sick. So although you are probably thinking it, I’m not some snobby twat.

I am also a male, and as a result, a fan of making things.

Since getting my own house, I have started to build things, much to my girlfriend’s consternation. It started off small, just a wine rack to fit in a gap beside the dishwasher, but things have escalated. Here are my three proudest makes…

One morning, I woke up and thought to myself, “I fancy smoked salmon today”. I went to the shop, bought some, and had it with my scrambled eggs. Over breakfast I was thinking about how easy it must be to smoke things for yourself. I came up with a plan in my head and set about executing it.

I bought two steel bins, and attached a length of chimney liner to them, hung up some fish in one bin, and built a fire in the other. It was genius I tells ya! After a few hours, I had my very own smoked salmon. Unfortunately, due to the prepping of the fish, I have only used this once.

My next experiment was a biltong box. I love the salty goodness of meat (fnarr fnarr). I got a box, drilled some holes and cured some beef. Set it up and let it dry for a few days. This was an unqualified success. SO much cheaper than the shop, and better than anything you can buy.

Finally, most favourite of all my experiments, I made my own pizza oven in the garden. I built a base with some truck tyres and rocks, dug up some clay from behind my garden, and set this up.

I can now pretend I am in Naples, smugging it up like the guy with a croissant, except with a slice of pizza and a glass of wine. The neighbours look on enviously as they eat their burnt sausages from a mediocre bbq whilst I live it up with my pizza.

The next step is to insulate the pizza oven to make it hold more heat, and do slow roasted joints and pulled pork over night.

My main problem is that I don't ever actually plan things - like most good men. I have an idea, and I go with it, sometimes it works, other times I spend weeks corrcting a mistake that I made, but eventually it always works.

Tl:dr – man destroys Nazis through culinary ambition.
(, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:47, closed)
Nice summary
The tl;dr alone earns a click.
(, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 15:54, closed)
Odd. Everybody I know likes their food to taste shit.
Vermiculite is your friend for insulating the oven. Mine stays hot for a good 24 hours after the fire has gone out.
(, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 16:39, closed)
I meant I don't expect badly cooked food, under seasoned etc...
I found lads of clay behind my garden so I'm just gonna mix it with some sawdust and clad it. I am trying to do the whole oven for as cheap as possible.
(, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 17:08, closed)
McDonalds tastes of fuck all.
And vermiculite costs about thruppence a litre.

edit: in fact you'd probably be better just dipping vermiculite in peanut oil and sugar and eating that.
(, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 17:13, closed)
McDonalds tastes like shit.
It's not some crappy hippy oh, the evil chemical laden capitalist blah blah. I love all fast food except McDonalds. I really find it tastes foul.
(, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 0:08, closed)
Suggesting that takeaway kebab, KFC, and McDonalds "taste good"
leads me to believe that your tastebuds have long since committed suicide, and that you are many miles from being any sort of "food ponce", and are, in fact, just in search of things to build in order to reassure yourself of your essential manliness. Most likely, you're compensating for a tiny penis, but have sensibly avoided the "buying a sportscar" route, so as to avoid raising suspicion.
Sorry to ruin things for you.
(, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 0:42, closed)
interesting, but wrong.
Who doesn't like a Burger or fried chicken. No need to get arsey with me because you are less of a man.
(, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 10:57, closed)

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