You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » The B3ta Cookbook » Page 9 | Search
This is a question The B3ta Cookbook

We're bored of beans on toast. Pretend you're on Pinterest and share your cooking tips and recipes. Can't cook? Don't let that stop you telling us about the disastrous shit you've made.

(, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:56)
Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Horponkey
It's like Turducken, but with a deboned donkey stuffed inside the cavity of a deboned pony, stuffed inside the cavity of a deboned horse and roasted. You need a big oven for it.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:45, 1 reply)
My rules for eating

1) Never eat anywhere with a dress code.

2) Never eat anything served in "the chef's own sauce".

3) "Cottage Cheese"? What kind of cheese would you find when cottaging?.

4) "Foam" is not a food texture. It's a dirty plate: send it back.

.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:38, Reply)
I am so hungry for a new question.
This week has been amazingly shit.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:12, 2 replies)
I worked as a chef and I'm a wop so listen closely.
here's how you make a lasagne, wop style.
hard boil some eggs and fry some salsicce, that's italian sausages to you. put them aside for later, okay?
then make a bechamel, if you don't know how to do that, fuck off right now. christ.
melt some butter in a pan, put in some flour then slowly stir in some milk. it'll then be all thick, like you. add some nutmeg and a bay leaf.
then make a sugo, with mince. THAT'S A SAUCE NUMBNUTS. if you put vegetables in it, so help me I'll pour it down your pants and punch your cock off. fucking hell, FINE.
put some garlic in a pan with oil DON'T BURN IT. chuck in some mince and brown it, add nutmeg, salt, pepper and dried basil. anyone who whines about using fresh basil can suck my shit. put in some wine and reduce the fucker, like right down. until it looks like a shitty period. add in some passata and simmer the bitch, punt in some more nutmeg, salt, pepper and dried fucking basil.
still with me? wankers.
get some pasta sheets, don't need to be fresh. if you have a problem with that, I'll fucking dry you, pricks. just refresh the fuck out of them in warm water with a bit of oil in it SO THEY DON'T FUCKING STICK TOGETHER.
now layer the bitch up in a dish. remember the eggs and sausage? no, you probably don't. READ THE TOP FFS. one layer should have sliced egg and one should have salsicce. on the top put fuckloads of motzzarella and parmesan then cook the fucking thing.
when it's ready, eat it. with your bare hands for all I fucking care. I dunno have a salad or chips or a pie or whatever the fuck you cunts want with it.

weights and temperature? go fuck yourselves.

arseholes.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 9:31, 9 replies)
Mexican Spice Mix
Take a clean jam jar, and put the following ingredients in:
• ¾ cup of chilli powder
• 4 tablespoons of ground cumin
• 4 tablespoons of salt
• 4 tablespoons of ground pepper
• 2 tablespoons of garlic powder
• 2 tablespoons of dried oregano
• 2 tablespoons of paprika
Shake it all up in the jam jar.
Use for making Mexican-style dishes like Chilli Con Carne, Fajitas and Piñatas.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 5:54, 8 replies)
My Kitchen Rules
1. Meat is good for you in moderation. But you should probably eat less of it, fatty.
2. You should only eat recognisable cuts of meat. If you can’t tell what piece of the animal it used to be, then you shouldn’t eat it. Bacon good. Sausages bad.
3. Vegetables are good for you. Eat more of them. Grow them.
4. Processed sugar is probably bad for you. Avoid adding it to food.
5. Too much bread is probably bad for you. Don’t eat the sliced stuff. Bake your own in moderation.
6. You should compost your vegetable scraps, to turn into soil for growing the next lot of vegetables.
7. If you are eating healthily, you will have loads of peelings, offcuts and stuff to put into the compost. If you don’t have stuff to put in the compost heap, you are probably eating crap.
8. Cherry tomatoes are easy to grow, and you can freeze the excess for cooking overwinter.
9. Garlic. Crush them first using the flat of a knife, then peel. Much faster than the other way round.
10. Make your own salad dressings. Paying someone else to mix oil and vinegar is a waste of money.
11. Next time you read a recipe that measures shit in made up measurements like cups and tablespoons, use electronic scales to measure by weight as you add each ingredient. Next time you won’t need to get spoons and measuring cups dirty. Excess washing up is for idiots.
12. Quinoa is not a food. It’s a punishment. Have you been bad? Then don’t do it to yourself.
13. Sweet Potato (Kumara) is not suitable for substitution with real potatoes. Use pumpkin or squash instead.
(, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 5:51, 2 replies)
Brussel sprouts.
Take 1 or 2 kilos of brussel sprouts, season to fuck with salt and pepper. Chuck them in a big pot and cover with water then some. Add a nice rock from a nearby stream and boil for two hours, change water and repeat.
Now drain water, throw the remains of brussel spouts into your neighbours garden and eat the rock - with lots of ketchup.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 21:49, 2 replies)
Tequila Rose Cheesecake
I will post this too, but as a link, as it is long and has lots of pictures. This is my proudest achievement in life so far:

www.facebook.com/notes/steve-guntrip/tequila-rose-cheesecake-recipe/10150486782634147


(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 21:47, 9 replies)
Deep-fried-breaded-halloumi.
Halloumi is a wonderful squeaky cheese and popular enough now to be bought in supermarkets. This isn't so much a recipe as an instruction to cover cheese in breadcrumbs and throw it (gently) into hot oil, but I will still make it into a recipe. Halloumi doesn't melt, like normal cheese, so you can do exciting things to it.

1. Aquire halloumi, breadcrumbs (you can make your own or buy a tub of them if you are sensible/lazy), batter mix, flour, oil.

2. Put oil in a pan in a sensible place (I am not responsible if you burn your house down, don't do this unless you have played with oil before and can do it safely - or have one of those fryer-ma-bobbers) and start it heating.

3. Cut the halloumi into nice lumps.

4. Arrange three bowls, in a line, one of flour, one of batter and one of breadcrumbs.

5. Is the oil hot? You can try and brown some bread in it, I like to be dramatic and pop a drop (a drop) of water into it - if it crackles and goes mad, it is ready. Hurrah.

6. Take a bit of halloumi, cover it in flour, now transfer it to the batter (the flour will make it adhere to the halloumi), and finally to the breadcrumbs. There isn't a way to do this without getting covered in all three. I class 'success' as 'not also covered in hot oil'.

7. Put it in the oil. It will make happy noises. Keep doing this until there's a nice number in there; don't put too many in or you will have trouble seeing which are done.

8. When they are nice and browned, rescue and put on some kitchen roll to soak up the oil.

9. Then you can eat them. Sweet Chilli sauce to dip them in is lovely.

They look like this:



And are very very nice.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 21:43, 2 replies)
fish omelette
crack open 6 fish eggs.
realise they're not like ordinary eggs.
chuck them out and get a chippy tea.
wash it down with a bottle of gin.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 20:47, 7 replies)
Learn to make mayo.
That white jellied wank in the jar in the fridge isn't fit for dog lube. Throw it out. Or up a dog.
One egg yolk. One teaspoon of mustard. One tablespoon of vinegar. Salt and white pepper. Whisk. Trickle in oil (not olive oil, you fucking idiot) until it emulsifies. Keep trickling until you have a bowl of delicious gloop. Don't use an electric whisk or it'll turn into jelly and I'll have to kill you with the pages from Delia's Dreary Cooking for Dulls and the handle of a wooden spoon like the lover in The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. Except we won't serve you up to the Thief because you're a fat mass and the stench of sizzling rancid flab would ruin the kitchen. You're welcome. Kiss kiss.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 19:51, 8 replies)
put a quail inside a spatchcock, and a finch inside the quail. tie it all together with a braid of lemurs' tails
Confuse it in a batter, then baste it with despair,
Glaze until it's weary, and no longer feigns to care,
Place inside your memory banks and serve unto the night,
Divide what's left unfairly, and wash it down it with spite
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 19:23, 3 replies)
Budget Sausage Dopiaza
Just made this, its turning to poo as I type.
I'm in the middle of moving house so trying to use all the cupboard/freezer ingredients before we flit. Recipe is:
12 Tesco Irish recipe sausages
1 x jar of Aldi Dopiaza sauce (The one with the added spice pot)
Load of rice (made as per Delia online)
Cream crackers and ryvitta's as replacement Naan breads and poppadums.
Cook sauasages, add curry sauce, cook a bit more, serve on top of cooked rice with biscuity bits as sides.
Lovely
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 18:59, 1 reply)
easy chicken kebab. best effort to tasty ratio so far discovered.
chop up chicken breast and bowlify it. olive oil. lots. lemon juice. lots. garlic. some. paprika. little. salt. pepper. marinade as long as you can be arsed to. fry until awesome. stick in warm pittas with houmous and chopped cherry tomatoes. eat.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 18:24, 1 reply)
1 pallet of common bricks, 90 fire bricks, reinforced concrete pad, soft sand, portland cement, fire cement, plasticizer, 200 litres of vermiculite, door, chimney, sweat.



Just add fire.



(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 18:06, 17 replies)
I made muffins with balsamic macerated strawberries, black pepper and basil.
They were pretty well received in the office but needs more basil next time.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 16:25, 1 reply)
surely this has been done:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4zw99VsoMA

Wandas macaroni salad?
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 13:37, 2 replies)
I am tempted to go to McDonalds, I'll witness more culinary expertise there than has been posted here this week

(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 13:28, 4 replies)
Reheated last night's tea for lunch today.

(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 13:17, 5 replies)
Cheese and Jam
Pretty simple really. A good strong cheese, raspberry jam, white bread. Layered appropriately as a sandwich. Eat.

Got me through some tough times.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 12:44, 17 replies)
Earthquake Cake
This is a combination of chocolate cake and cheesecake. You'll probably need a bit of a lie down after you've had some. It's not very pretty and will contribute to the narrowing of your arteries. It is, however, very, very nice.

Grease a cake pan. I use a 9" square deep pan with the resulting cake being about 2.5 inches deep.

Start with some chopped pecan or other nuts and mix this with a dessicated coconut in a 1:1 ratio. You'll need about a cupful of each.
Put this mixture over the bottom of your cake tin.

Get a box of Betty Crocker Devils Food Cake and mix it according to the instructions on the box. Pour it carefully over the nut and coconut layer, making sure it gets into the corners of the pan.

Put it aside for a while while you melt 125g of butter and an 250g pack of full fat Philadelphia soft cheese in a heavy bottomed saucepan. keep stirring. Gradually tip in an entire box of icing sugar into this pan and keep stirring so it doesn't burn.
Pour this mixure over the cake batter layer.

Bake in a preheated 350°F for 45 minutes. I'd check it after 30 minutes.

You should have something that looks cracked on the top, with gooey caramelly coconutty bits and pockets of cheesecake through your chocolate cake.

I think it's called Earthquake cake because it should look as if it's been through some sort of natural disaster before it gets to your bowl.

If you have room, it works well with a coconut or caramel'honeycomb icecream.

Don't say I'm not good to you.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 12:13, 5 replies)
Mikhail Bakunin leant me his recipe for banana pudding.
To be honest, I'm not sure why it's illegal.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 11:46, Reply)
Massively unhealthy banoffee pie - Will fit a 20cm cake tin

Base - 100g butter (melted), 250g digestives.
Crush biscuits and stir in melted butter, press into bottom of cake tin. Chill whilst you make filling.

Filling - 100g butter,100g dark brown soft sugar, 1x397g tin of condensed milk
Place butter and sugar into a non stick pan over a low heat, stirring until butter melts and sugar dissolves. Add the condensed milk and bring gently to the boil, stirring all the time. When the caramel has started to boil, remove from the heat and pour over the biscuit base.

Topping - 4 small bananas, 300ml carton double cream(whipped), Flake, Mars bar.
Leave to chill then put the bananas on top, followed by the whipped cream (with mars bar chopped and mixed in) and sprinkle the flake on top.

Obviously, hugely unhealthy, but very nice, and one for many people to share.

/awaits cries of 'Fatty!'
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 11:37, 7 replies)
refried beans!
I made sort-of refried beans (wrong beans and no lard) last night and it was yum (and cost a tenth of the ready made super salty canned stuff.
-soak black eyed beans in water overnight (i suspect if you did it at breakfast they would be ready by dinner time)
-boil for 5 minutes then simmer on minimum until soft (about 30 mins)
-finely chop a small onion and however much garlic you like, soften in lots of butter (2-3 times normal amount, the beans will absorb it)
-drain beans and mash with a potato masher, add to buttery garlicky onion. cook very gently (half power)
-add lots of mild chilli powder (i.e. a blend of chilli, oregano, cumin, paprika etc), add some hot chili to taste
-add whatever herbs haven't been eaten by the slugs (in this case parsley, coriander and oregano)
-add a little vegetable stock so that the beans break down into a lovely thick sauce
-cook until it is as thick as you like

eat with chicken fajitas or whatever. yum :-)
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 11:16, 1 reply)
A fun story from last year
I work as a support worker with Autistic people, a job so rewarding in pleasure and fun that the money side of things is considered secondary. No really, this is the case.

Anyway, I was working with a client who was not only autistic but also has Downs, this results in some one who is classified as challenging, with the strong possibility of undiagnosed dementia dropped in too just to make their life even more fun. now try to imagine how confusing the world must be for them.

Being the senior carer for the day, I was preparing a meal and was busy, with the grill going and a frying pan on the hob. Quietly in the back ground was the radio gently burbling away. On this particular day, the client decided that no one in the house could have music on, not them, the other residents or even staff, but the poor soul had no way of communicating this. This caused a huge amount of frustration for them, especially as their life is pretty much run on music.

The client left their bedroom at a run and charged into the kitchen (remember, this is a shared house covered by care in the community, not a hospital or care home). I was given a quick beating and had to shout for help from other staff, who managed to drag the client away who was still feeling murderous. I was mildly burned on my arms from the hob and was dealing with that, when we noticed the smoke. Upon opening the grill, the chops were a cinder and the flames were actually quite pretty, looking like one of those fake coal fires that run on gas. With no sign of a damp cloth to cover the flames, I grabbed the burning grill tray and threw it out of the kitchen door and into the yard, to the horror of the other staff.

The clients had salad for dinner that night while the staff spent three hours filling in incident report forms! Best bit of cooking ever. just incase you feel that you have to ask, yes I do love my job, with all of its challenges, its quirks and its trips to the fun fair.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 11:00, 3 replies)
I totes had a bowl of Maple & Pecan crisp for breakfast.

(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 8:17, 1 reply)
8 out of 10
I remember being emailed a video a few years back of a cat meowing and generally being a cat, which was subsequently killed and cooked. I think it was aimed to highlight the cruelty which at the time I sort of agreed with, but now being older, I appreciate the cultural differences more, and given that my local Chinese was busted around the same time for using 'meat of unspecified origin' (what ever that means) I guess I would be a hypocrite to grumble!!
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 7:23, 8 replies)
Mountain Risotto
When on a climbing trip, my favorite dish was always something quite odd. First you need a petrol burning stove, I used a Coleman powered on unleaded. Take a stainless steel MSR pot and dip it in a stream or river, try to get it from up stream of the dead sheep/pony/cow/warewolf. Bring the water to the boil and add half a cup of rice. Cook until soft.

Drain the rice, add a pinch of Safron, as much grated cheese as you can fit in, some chili flakes and gently heat on the hob.Push a stick through a sausage, and push the stick into the ground and push it close to the stove so that the flame from the stove cooks the sausage. Keep stirring the rice/cheese goo.

Once the sausages are good and brown, chop up and drop into the rice goo. Now consume with the appetite gained from a good hard mountain day.

Your next challenge, try to clean the pot using cold river water and the old scourer from the bottom of your rucksack. I always put the stove back on and boil up the water with a splash of washing up liquid in there too. This should stop you getting the shits in the hills and leaving little mounds of poo on every summit!
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 0:54, 4 replies)

Celery with gorgonzola and smoked pancetta is surprisingly good. Celery with peanut butter... anything with peanut butter.
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 0:42, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1